Nation On ‘Red Alert’ Over National Security Threat (SATIRE)

Pakistan Valentine's Day Celebration

Grave threat to the national security has been detected and nation is on ‘Red Alert’. The enemies of Pakistan and Islam have unleashed a weapon more powerful than HAARP and more widespread than American agents. What is this terrible evil we are facing? It is none other than…

VALENTINES DAY

Hindu-Zionist-Illuminati forces determined to destroy Islam are attempting to unleash this nefarious holiday dedicated to love and friendship on unsuspecting Pakistanis. Liberal Fascists are obviously supporting this shirk because it provides safe cover for them to express love of Hinduism. Thankfully we have the brave National Heroes who are not intimidated by these international forces of ‘love’ and ‘friendship’.

Pakistan ValentineProminent clerics have declared Valentine’s Day as un-Islamic, and government officials are not following their advise by banning the holiday.

Kohat Valentine's Day ban

Security forces like IJT will also be found carrying out security patrols to stop any attempts to carry out Valentine’s Day operations.

“I was discussing preparations for a class function with one of the girls when suddenly members of Shabaab-e-Milli dragged me to the ground and beat me up, rupturing my ear drum. The girl I was talking to was hit on the head and knocked unconscious.”

Since there is no threat from Daesh in Pakistan, and back-broken TTP is unable to carry out attacks in the country, the most serious threat faced by the country is obviously a holiday that promotes foreign values like love and friendship, which we are reminded have no place in this country.

Attack of the Clones

Pakistan is currently under attack by a sinister foreign force. No, I am not talking about drones. This is much more deadly and much more sinister. As we all know, Husain Haqqani gave visas to possibly 3 crores CIA assassins. Using advanced Illuminati black magic, they have transformed their shape into the most patriotic of Muslims to wreak fitna. Because of their Western arrogance, however, they have once again over played their hand and exposed their true nature.

The first evidence of these clones was the rise of terror attacks in Pakistan after 9/11. As is well known and accepted, there was no terrorism in Pakistan before 2001, and all Pakistanis were healthy, educated, and upper middle class. 35,000 of innocent Pakistanis have been killed since that terrible day. Since we know that Muslims don’t kill Muslims, only explanation is it must be clones!

Then came the so-called raid that killed Osama bin Laden. Once again the Americans used their Illuminati witch craft in a nefarious scheme intended to defame the Fortress of Islam by telling that an evil terrorist lived there. However, a gora friend of General Hameed Gul spilled the beans to Iranian media and told that the Abbottabad operation actually led to the death of a clone!

Their lust against all that is good and pure unsatisfied by the success of this diabolical operation to defame Pakistan, they continued to target our national treasures, this time by deploying a clone of Aamir Liaqat to undermine the people’s religious sensibilities.

The evil of the American conspirators knowing no bounds, they then targeted the well loved preacher of peace Hazrat Hafiz Muhammad Saeed (RA) by deploying his dastardly clone to preach violent jihad.

Now, though, they have gone too far. The American crusaders have used clones of two of Pakistan’s greatest heroes, Meher Bokhari and Mubasher Lucman, and made it appear that these saints were actually a cheap pair of corrupt liars.

Does their evil know no bounds? This is the greatest threat to Pakistan today, and they are being supported by dual nationals, seculars, university graduates, musicians, EPL fans, takfiris, London walas and various other liberal scum! Who will be the next victim of their cloning technology?

EXCLUSIVE: Imran’s Energy Plan Revealed

Imran Khan has a new promise, and it’s one that is likely to please the masses. If elected, Imran Khan promises to solve the energy crisis within five years. Now, I know what you are thinking. How is Imran Khan going to do what no other government till date has been able to accomplish, and within five years only? Is this just another empty promise from a man who will say absolutely anything to get elected? Or does he know something we don’t?

Today we have an exclusive report that will answer the question. Leaked information reveals Imran’s secret plan to solve the energy crisis so quickly, and it just might work. What is the secret? By five years time PTI will have finally unhooked all the kundas used for its jalsas.

Conspiracy to malign Pak military

It is well known that there is a conspiracy by foreign agents to malign the Pakistan military as part of a scheme to destabilize the country. We know this because we are told so by our trusted and esteemed TV anchors who are second in their patriotism only to members of the national agencies. But the proof is right under our own noses if we will only care to look.

Just recently we saw several cases of foreign agents manipulating the media for anti-state propaganda. This has been exposed by one patriotic journalist as “pursuit of dollar-driven and Raw-CIA sponsored foreign agenda to fatally damage the defence establishment”.

The first foreign agent to expose himself is none other than DG ISI Lt Gen Pasha who told parliament that Abbottabad fiasco was the result of “intelligence failure”. It is well known that ISI is recognized as “top best intelligence agency of the world”.

Obviously, by parroting the CIA lie that Osama was killed in Pakistan, Gen Pasha must be doing the dirty work of the CIA/RAW/Mossad. Are we even sure that his name is Pasha and not Vijay or Shlomo?

Most recently, however, there is Dr A Q Khan who claims that Pakistani military leaders took bribes and sold nuclear secrets to North Korea.

In a written statement, Dr Khan describes helping transfer more than $3m to senior officers, delivering the cash in a canvas bag and cartons, including one in which it was hidden under fruit.

The revelations, which have been denied by Pakistani officials, will only heighten already difficult relations between Islamabad and Washington.

The account is backed up by a letter, dated July 15, 1998, marked “Secret,” and purportedly signed by Jon Byong Ho, North Korean Workers’ Party secretary, which says “the 3 millions (sic) dollars have already been paid” to one Pakistani military official and “half a million dollars” and some jewellery had been given to a second official.

Although the status of Dr A Q Khan’s circumcision is not known, obviously he is a RAW agent to be spreading such false propaganda. We know that these documents must be forged because they accuse military officials of corruption and willingness to sell the national assets when everyone knows that only Asif Zardari and his cronies are corrupt.

What is clear is that the honourable Pak military is being maligned by devious foreign agents whose cunning knows no boundaries. Who else would have the foresight to spend decades serving their national defences only as part of a wicked plot to turn and malign the military with such criticism!

A Modest Proposal

You shoot me, I shoot you right back. I have been thinking about the blasphemy laws and the veneration of Mumtaz Qadri, and I must admit that it has taken me a while to understand what is going on. But now that I have finally wrapped my brain around it, I wanted to be sure to share with my moderate and liberal friends who I fear are still trying to makes heads or tails of the situation.

Let’s start with a review of the facts:

First, Asia Bibi was convicted of blasphemy for allegedly saying that Jesus was equal to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Or something. Nobody really seems to be certain what she said. But we’re certain that it was insulting, whatever it was. After all, she’s a Christian, and that’s insulting enough.

When people began investigating the background of the case, though, they discovered that actually it all seems to have started because of an argument over a goat. Governor Punjab Salmaan Taseer took up the case saying that he wanted to make certain that the woman was not punished if she did not commit any crime.

Sahibzada Fazal Kareem, head of Sunni Ittehad Council, told AFP that a pardon of Asia Bibi “would lead to anarchy in the country”. Asia Bibi still sits in prison with no pardon.

Second, Mumtaz Qadri of the Elite Police Force turned his gun on the man he was sworn to protect and shot him the back. For this, he is being termed ‘Ghazi’. Lawyers showered the confessed killer with flowers, and Jamat Ahle Sunnat clerics threatened politicians and journalists with death if they do not support Qadri’s act.

Why did Mumtaz Qadri commit this act? The man he was sworn to protect, Salmaan Taseer, had termed the blasphemy laws ‘man-made law’ and said that it should be reviewed. Mumtaz Qadri disagreed with him.

Some have mistakenly said that Qadri killed Salmaan Taseer because of blasphemy, but this is not correct because Salmaan Taseer never committed any blasphemy.

Actually, Javed Ahmad Ghamidi also agrees that the law is man-made law and not divine law. Dr. Khalid Masood also has noted that the blasphemy laws are mis-used to promote injustice and that justification for these laws is questionable based on Quran. This is something that has been discussed and debated and there are differing positions even between respected scholars.

Salmaan Taseer, even if you disagree with his position, was not convicted of blasphemy. He was tried by no court and no sentence was handed down. His killer was not authorized to commit this act by any judge. Qadri was not even authorized by any fatwa. We know this because Mumtaz Qadri has said it himself. He simply woke up one morning and decided to shoot a man in the back because he disagreed with him.

Therefore we have now shown that Mumtaz Qadri shot a man in the back because he disagreed with him on an issue. So, we must ask, if shooting a man in the back because you disagree with him makes you a Ghazi, shouldn’t we all shoot in the back those who we disagree with? After all, don’t we all want to be Ghazis?

Think about the lawyers who are cheering their new hero. It makes perfect sense why they would idolize him. Everytime they go into a courtroom it is because there is a disagreement. And resolving these cases takes countless hours of preparation and sometimes years of making motions and giving evidence. Cases could be closed much more quickly if they just shot each other in the back.

For a similar reason, it is obvious why the Mullahs are supporting Qadri. Think of the theological disagreements that they have been studying and debating and arguing over for a thousand years or more. So much time could be saved and used for more important tasks like beard conditioning and turban folding if a cleric could just shoot the scholars he disagrees with in the back.

Or how about politics? Think of all the energy that is spend on campaigns and rallies and voting. It would be so much simpler if we should we all just go out and shoot supporters of the other political parties.

How about cricket? With today’s fast-paced society, test matches are nearly impossible to watch. Even ODIs are too long for many people. We’ve already created 20/20 to move things along more quickly, but imagine how soon a match would be completed if we just did away with bowling and batting and fielding and simply went straight to shooting everyone in the back.

As you can see, it makes perfect sense. This would surely increase our GDP also as we would create a booming new industry for guns, ammunition, and funerals. If we put a tax on bullets, we could raise enough money to close the tax-to-GDP gap that has the IMF so concerned. Plus, we would never have to listen to anyone we don’t agree with. What an incredibly wonderful world. So it’s settled from now on, there is only one rule – if you don’t like what someone says, shoot them in the back.

Let me know if you disagree. I’ll be happy to shoot you in the back.

Editor’s Note: This piece is satire only. Please do not shoot anyone in the back, front, or anywhere else. If you disagree, please simply leave a comment instead.