Proof that Pakistanis are World’s Greatest Human Rights Defenders

Shireen Mazari Human Rights Defender

Once again, international human rights NGOs, media, and even the UN have Pakistan in their sights. As usual, we are accused of ignoring human rights violations. How can this even be possible? As I will now prove to you, Pakistanis are not human rights violators, actually we are the world’s greatest human rights defenders!

Liberals note the abuse of blasphemy laws for land grabbing from religious minorities in Pakistan, but does this mean that we don’t care about minority land rights? No! Many Pakistanis take out massive rallies against land grabbing by Israel.

International media prints reports about an epidemic of violence against women in Pakistan, including cases of rape going unpunished. However, ask any Pakistani man and he will tell you in deep forensic detail about rapes and other abuses faced by women in India.

Human Rights NGOs spread stories about Pakistan security agencies killing unarmed youths and murdering journalists, but does that mean we are ignoring abuses of security agencies? Absolutely not! Obviously these NGOs are the ones ignoring the outcry in our own media against abuses by security agencies in America.

Now once again the UN is pointing fingers at Pakistan over the mysterious disappearance of activists, just like they have pointed fingers over missing persons in Balochistan.  Liberals are pointing at social media trends like #WhoAreTheyDefending and #MissingOrRAWterrorists to say that we don’t care about enforced disappearances. Not true! We have been leading all efforts to raise awareness about enforced disappearances in Kashmir.

It is clear that all accusations are part of a world wide conspiracy to defame Pakistan. The proof is clear to anyone willing to admit facts. Pakistanis are the world’s greatest human rights defenders…for everyone except Pakistanis.

[SATIRE] Nawab Khan receives a visit from Chinese Viceroy

Imran Khan spanked by Chinese ViceroyNawab Imran Khan’s declared plan to shut down the capital unless his demands are met has been responded with severe displeasure by the Board of the Chinese-Pakistan Economic Company (CPEC). On Tuesday, that displeasure was demonstrated in a rare visit from Chinese Viceroy Sun Weidong at Khan’s Bani Gala palace.

The Chinese Viceroy left no room for misinterpretation as he explained that the Board of CPEC would not allow their investment of tens of billions to be threatened by the antics of a minor provincial chief. With a deeply bowed head, Nawab Khan apologised for the misunderstanding and assured the Chinese official that it was all just a bit of fun and “its planned siege of the city was not meant to derail the present government, the system or create chaos in the country.” While some peasants may be thrashed as part of the drama, the Nawab promised the Viceroy “there would absolutely be no threat to the diplomatic corps.”

Having given his assurance that next month’s protest was never intended to be more than a cheap stage drama, Nawab Kahn stood outside his palace and watched the Viceroy’s caravan drive away. “Sir,” his Secretary Shah Mehmood Qureshi began to say. “Shut up!” responded the Nawab. “Get out! All of you get out!”

“Yes, my Lord,” they whispered and left Khan standing alone on the front steps as a light rain began to fall. As they sat drinking tea in silence, they could hear the Nawab unleash a tirade of obscenities in the distance. Qureshi looked up at his colleague Shireen Mazari who met his eye with a mischievous grin.

SATIRE: A New SAARC for a New South Asia

Mushahid Hussain (PML-GHQ)Fresh from a successful diplomatic mission to Washington which probably brought global condemnation to India’s nefarious anti-Pakistan activities in Kashmir, Pakistan Muslim League (GHQ) Senator Mushahid Hussain Syed has devised another ingenious strategy to advance Pakistan’s interests and deliver a solid slap to India’s face. Sen Mushahid Hussain has taken up  the issue of SAARC Summit which was temporarily postponed due to every member state boycotting not feeling worthy to come to Pakistan.

“SAARC as it exists does not properly represent whole South Asia” the Senator explained to a group of journalists who received a phone call instructing them to attend. “The current arrangement is dominated by Indian proxies such as Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal, Sri Lanka, and Maldives.”

“A greater South Asia is already emerging,” said Senator Mushahid Hussain Syed. “This greater South Asia includes China, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, Azad Kashmir, Palestine (Gaza Strip), and especially Twitteristan as well as the millions of loyal and patriotic overseas South Asians whose voices are being unfairly silenced under the current system.”

Mr Hussain said that the obvious solution was to make each of these New South Asian states permanent voting members of SAARC. South Asia’s Permanent Representative to Twitter Farhan K Virk would be allowed to vote either by hashtag or Twitter poll, and independent votes would also be cast by representatives of overseas South Asians with a valid CNIC under special arrangements by the Defence Wings of Pakistan’s Embassies.

“The improvement of this new arrangement for democracy is obvious to anyone who is not a paid Indian agent and will surely receive the blessing of the international community”, explained Mr Hussain. “We have now solved the SAARC crisis just as we solved the crisis in Kashmir.”

In response to a question, Mr Hussain noted that it is also being investigated whether Russia is actually a South Asian nation also.

 

Come back Nadeem F Paracha! We need you!

NFPNadeem F Paracha, or ‘NFP’ as he’s also known, has one of the sharpest wits in the country. For a long time I have looked forward to his writings and TV appearances because he has always had a way of cutting through the BS to show the absurdity of so much that was taken too seriously. He was never mean spirited, but always pointed out the ridiculousness of ‘serious’ topics, giving a necessary injection of humour and helping break up the tension. However, something in his satire has changed since the past few years, and the old NFP seems to be missing right when we need him most.
Let me give you an example. This video produced by some Indians is exactly the sort of satire that I would have expected from NFP a few years ago. It’s not point scoring, it’s showing the absurdity of the situation we find ourselves in.

Lately, though, we are getting posts like this:

And Tweets about pigeons.


And articles about pigeons.

pigeonMy god, man…so many posts about pigeons!

Don’t get me wrong. India’s bizarre paranoia about spying pigeons is funny, but you’ve done that joke to death, man! This is the problem, I think. The satire, it has become…well…lazy.

NFP, I understand that you love Gen Raheel. We ALL do. He is the best thing we’ve had in my lifetime. And Modi is an easy target. TOO easy, almost. But we need the old NFP back. The guy who wasn’t going after easy targets, and wasn’t worshiping holy cows. If blind patriotism was going to save this country, WE’D be the world’s biggest superpower. What our country needs is someone with wits sharp enough to cut through the fog of war and show us the way out of this mess.

I know you love this country. We all do. And I know these are tense times. But look: the civilians are finally making their move. NFP, we need you to come back now.

Western Conspiracy To Defame Pakistan Exposed

The following submission was received from our dear reader, Beens…

F7

Earlier this week, the man who killed Governor Salmaan Taseer died. A small funeral was held to remember this man, attended by only few lakhs of his closest friends and well wishers. In other words, it was not even a major event. When I turned on the TV, I didn’t even see anyone mentioning it. It was such a non-event! Then as my driver was taking me to meet some friends at Hot Spot I was posting a selfie on Twitter and my timeline was filled with people posting photos and videos of the funeral and talking about extremism spreading in Pakistan. I was completely confused! Immediately I noticed that majority of people spreading these news stories and photos were not even Pakistanis. They were mostly Westerners. What do they know about Pakistan? I’d bet most of them have never even been to Rendezvous!

Then I noticed that I had a DM from a friend from school asking if I was safe! OMG! HOW RUDE!!! My day was ruined…or at least I thought it was. I let out a loud huff and my driver asked if I wasn’t feeling well. I HATE when he does that, so I hit him with my new bag that daddy just bought me, and do you know what he did? He nearly swerved into someone’s ugly old Camry. IDIOT!!!

Well, if I thought things were bad then, I was not prepared for what was coming. I arrived at Hot Spot and saw that everyone was already at our table, only they weren’t looking happy to see me. Actually, they were all looking nervous. I didn’t understand at all. “Why do you look like that?” I laughed. “Did someone die?” They just stared at me. “Have you seen Diplo’s Facebook?” someone finally asked.

Just last Saturday we all went to the rave and had the BEST time. I spent all night Tweeting and Instagramming photos of myself just to show all my friends from school who were sitting in London feeling TOTALLY jealous while I was at the party of the year! I tagged Diplo in all my photos so that he would re-post one. Did he post something where I wasn’t looking good? No. Actually, he did worse. He did the UNIMAGINABLE.

Diplo posted a photo of himself AT A SLUM.

Diplo in Isloo

OMG!!! IDIOT!!!

Now all my friends are going to see this and think THIS is what Pakistan is like! Where did he even find a place like that?

I’m not a political junkie. I leave all of that to the experts like Ahmed Quraishi. However after this week I am CERTAIN that he is right. There is DEFINITELY a foreign conspiracy to defame Pakistan. How can there not be? Why else would these ‘Gora the Explorers‘ keep reminding us about poor people and militants and other awful things? It’s not fair!

Actually, I don’t blame Diplo. He was OBVIOUSLY taken to wherever this is by some RAW agent probably from MQM who is just JEALOUS and spent YEARS building this fake slum in order to defame Pakistan. How do we even know this is IN Pakistan? It’s obviously a photoshop!

The good news is, daddy could tell I was in a terrible mood when he got home and he asked me what was wrong. I told him about all the horrible things that had happened and he promised to take me shopping in Dubai. I love a happy ending!